


I can see myself in your eye

by Bananas45



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, M/M, Tragic Romance, Unhealthy Relationships, they're as bad as eachother to begin with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 01:04:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16671829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananas45/pseuds/Bananas45
Summary: But a man who wanted the world in the palm of his hand, who'd sell his morals for a chance at changing it all, was never going to settle for the mundane love of Albus Dumbledore.Or so he always told himself.





	I can see myself in your eye

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago (maybe two years?) but then saw the latest fantastic beasts and just had to post it haha. Probably has a few inconsistencies because of that.

Only in hindsight was the hold that Gellert Grindelwald had over him ever a bad thing. In their youth it was a thing to be treasured by both parties, A person who finally understood the other more deeply and profoundly than anyone ever had the other before. Gellert, as in most things, had said it first.   
"It's as if I've lived my whole life unknowing until I met you. I always thought I was alone, like my thoughts were in some way...wrong" He'd sounded so breathlessly excited, pupils blown wide in the dimmed candle lit room. "And you understand, don't you?"   
It always strikes Albus, when he thinks back, that there was a time when Gellert wasn't self assured. When he'd look with wide eyes and ask if what he'd just said was wrong and Albus would stare into that pretty face and not be able to say that yes, it was.   
"I do" Albus had agreed, a gentle smile on his face as he'd played with a blonde curl.   
"Don't just agree with me!" Gellert snapped and rolled onto his back on the bed and Albus, ever cautious of how he came across had pulled his hand back fast. Content just to stare at the long legs and half undone shirt, splayed across his bed with fingertips stained with in and smelling of something foreign and exotic. Those sheep dog eyes as Albus had affectionately told him - Gellert had laughed the first time he’d said it and barked out “My god, never say that to me again” - Staring at the ceiling, strong jawed but effeminate, delicate and disarming, hiding a burning desire for everything. 

There had been so many moments, so much time to reconsider when the ideas were fresh and he'd still felt that tang of doubt a tug at his moral compass but Albus could only at the time think of Gellert leaving, finding someone else or losing interest.

"Sometimes I wonder if you're doing all this just to please me" He'd murmured one night, Curled up in a dusty armchair, lip bitten and hair curling around his face. The fire had cast his shadow up the wall, Monstrously distorted. "Are you, Albus?"   
He hadn't paused "that would be an insult to you"   
"Quite right" Gellert had grinned.   
His ideology, their ideology (because by this point there was no point shifting the blame) had been born of Gellert's idealism and Albus' sense of justice. 

But it hadn’t always been that way. They didn’t religiously talk politics and it was those moments, more than any, that had pulled them together irrevocably.   
“I’m new here” He’d said, Gellert, smile kind but bored, mind elsewhere even as he spoke to Albus “I’m looking for interesting people” He’d glanced around the town, the unspoken ‘and I doubt i’ll find them’ lying between them.   
“I wouldn’t know any” Albus had said, walking past him with a polite smile.   
“What’s your name?” Gellert calls, blue eye twinkling, playful, while the brown seemed contemplative, as though he was desperate to know.   
“Come now” He’d turned but been shocked by the beauty he saw, an intoxicating mixture of innocence and power, the boy waiting on his word but was still so clearly in control. It was wonderful. “I doubt it’s interesting enough for someone like yourself”   
“You know me?” Gellert looked for a moment bashful but his smile is wide and pleased, unguarded like a cat who’s had his chin tickled.   
Albus glanced over him and Gellert catches his eye, blinks a little, surprised as Albus stepped closer, till they’re both captured under the dull lamp light.   
“Your reputation precedes you” Albus smiled. There is a spark between them, that makes Albus tingle as Gellert glances at his lips. They hold the moment, somewhere between desire and rivallery and Albus feels alive. The tension grew like some beast until it roars in both their ears.   
“All good I’m sure” He smirked then laughed, sardonic but soft.   
“Yes, completely” Albus laughed in return as the tension dispels. “You seem like a very stable young man” Albus almost cooed, hands shoved into his trousers .   
Gellert ran his tongue over teeth and threw his head back.   
“Yes, Those words are said a lot about me” he played along, held Albus’ gentle, sometimes prickly camaraderie in a way no one else had done. “Along with easy company-”   
“Exceptional pupil-”   
“Oh who could forget” Gellert chuckled. “So news of my expulsion has reached every nook and cranny, every hollow” He played with the word and Albus couldn’t help but laugh.   
“I doubt it” He’d said then looked up “I just took an interest in you”  
Gellert’s smile had dropped, eyes fluttering as he flushes, high on his pretty cheekbones at the compliment Albus so gently pushed on him. Gellert had been starved for compliments, always had been and back then, it was never clear who was falling into whose trap.   
Albus laughs and extends a hand, tentatively, for a handshake.   
“Good night, Gellert Grindelwald” it was hopeful.   
Gellert took it and almost harshly interlaced their fingers, palms pressed and eyes intense. Sudden and desperate as he stared like he was looking for something. Whatever it was,he found it.   
It had shaken Albus to the core, the intimacy of it, the strange intrigued desire in Gellert’s eyes. It had been too much. He’d been taken from the very start.  
“And your name” Gellert asked, voice only a whisper.  
“I-I....” Albus had struggled for only a moment. “Don’t think you’re quite interesting enough to know it yet”   
For one ounce of a second, Gellert had looked offended before he grinned, fox like as he winked.   
“I guess I’ll just have to prove myself then, Albus Dumbledore”   
It had knocked the air from his lungs.

How they got from soft words and quick wit to revolution, Albus wasn’t sure but Gellert had a way of doing that. Drawing you in with gentle words and self deprecating wit before you were ensnared in his ideals. 

"It's an insult to muggles as well that they don't know we exist" Gellert had said, When Albus had a problem with complete control over a lesser types. It wasn't fair. "How is it fair that a few people get to decide how a whole group of people has to live? While another group gets denied knowledge of even our existence?" Gellert had argued.  
Albus had been dizzy with the truth of it all.   
"And they make us suffer for it? Make us hide? When it's their fears that hold them back. That's ridiculous. Everyone can be their best person when everything is transparent" he'd taken Albus' hand in his own and smiled.   
"But...We do it for their protection, we're better than them, we're responsible" Albus had stressed.   
"I couldn't agree more but when your dog misbehaves you don't let your dog walk all over you" Gellert had grinned that 'I've got you'   
"They're not misbehaving" Albus had tried.   
"Aren't they? Maybe they're not...I was wrong to say that" He looked momentarily bashful, Albus had lived for those moments, He'd lost his train of thought, Tongue sat on his lower lip as he tried to regain it. "But there's something wrong, alright no one's to blame, but someone has to take control" he blinked, unsure if he still had Albus "Fine, We're all to blame! So let's make a difference. There're muggles out there Albus, Living lives so much easier than ours and in their petty strifes they won't even begin to understand the world that they live in and we, instead, with a sliver more insight have to dampen our curiosity...Tamper and change and hide like, like we don't matter" Gellert shook a little. "We have the right to control them and they have the right to rebel but no one gets the right to control who gets to do and act and be free. There would be hierarchy, off course there would, we would naturally be at the top..."   
Albus shifts uncomfortable at the thought of absolute power and Gellert notices. "And that's no bad thing. Benevolence is key, if we're kind to them, show them we don't want to fight or kill, that we just want equality. No secrets, no hiding."   
"There would be some who didn't agree" Albus said.   
"Then we use them to show the rest what they're dealing with" Gellert had shrugged and smirked.   
"Gellert!" Albus had gasped.   
"They'd do the same to us in a heartbeat! Your heart skips a beat and your chest tightens whenever you hear footsteps or when someone reads a letter they shouldn't have because you're terrified they would hate us for our ideas. That's not healthy, Albus. Society cannot be run on fear and fake contentment"   
Fake contentment, that had hit a nerve,. Albus remembers it as the moment he'd decided to tell all to Gellert. They were sat by the now dying fire on a horribly cold summers night and Gellert had pulled himself close and crawled in between Albus' legs, aligning himself up the back of Albus like one would a chair.   
"So you believe no one should hide?" Albus had asked, Breaking a deep silence that had fallen as Gellert read.   
"If they want to they can. I just think no one has too" Gellert had shifted back to read.   
"And you mean that" Albus had asked, Heart racing.   
Gellert had turned, eyes alight with that dangerously beautiful fanaticism. "Off course I do"   
"Then you'd be a hypocrite for hating me" Albus murmured.   
"Hating you for what?" Gellert had tucked his head closer to catch the others eyes and Albus in his haste didn't bother answering just curled a hand around Gellerts neck and pulled their lips together. It wasn't chaste but it wasn't passionate, it was stuck in limbo of fear and confusion and when Albus pulled away, Gellert stared in shock, hand gently touching his lip.   
He swallowed and glanced down "I..."   
"I don't think I've ever seen you lost for words" Albus murmured and Gellert flushed, managing a laugh as he shook his head, eyes distant.   
"You should have said something earlier" Gellert pouted softly, Clicking his tongue.  
Suddenly they were kissing again, Deeper and more desperate and Albus gasped because as lovely as Gellert was, as flirty and kind - he was like that with everyone. He made everyone feel loved and needed, it was impossible to know who Gellert truly cared about but here he was, trembling and nervous as Albus kissed him deeper, slid his hand into soft blond hair. He cradled Gellert’s cheeks, thumbs brushing those high cheekbones as he stared into those mismatched eyes  
"I was scared"   
"You shouldn't have been" Panted Gellert, pushed down onto the wooden floor and splayed out, Hands intertwined, elbows to elbows. "You don't ever have to be afraid of what I'll think" 

There had been such honesty in what he'd said and Albus feels sickened when he looks back and questions the validity of it all because no one could have faked desire like that, not even Grindelwald.   
'He tricked me, back then' he'd said to someone once 'with sweet nothings and hopeless dreams and I fell for it, He was amazingly manipulative'   
Or incredibly dedicated but that felt like he was giving him too much credit.   
Gellert had writhed under him and gasped his name like he was the only thing in the world and then in the afterglow as Albus trailed patterns on sweat soaked skin, they'd talked of revolution and it had been so beautiful in concept.   
They fell out over love, over each other, when Grindelwald accused them of being to close.  
"It's like I cant think around you" He'd snarled. "I can't go anywhere without wanting you with me-"  
"Love makes us blind" Albus had said, Still staring at the curve of his jaw and the dip in his collar.   
"Don't" Gellert had said, Close enough that their breath mingled "Don't you dare do this out of love. Don't even try to follow me if your intention isn't pure"   
It had hurt, curled around Albus like some sick snake and in his fear he'd said "You're wrong, I love you, I love you so much and never doubt that Gellert but we came together to change the world" Gellert had looked shocked, eyes wide and cheeks flushed "We fell in love to change the world and I'm not going to let anything stand in our way"   
Gellert had stared for a moment at him before he fell apart.   
"I don't want to lose you" Gellert said, Curling his hands into Albus' shirt as they hugged and Albus realised that he had a form of control over Gellert but back then love and control weren't interlinked and their control over each other was always so equal. He'd stripped and pulled at Gellert till he was laid bare and sobbing with want and he thinks, in those moments, maybe he understood what attracted Gellert to power.   
“Albus” He’d sigh into the night, legs hooked around his waist as he shuddered and covered his face as he hid his moans because he was innocent in those moments, lost under Albus, lost because of him and found in him and he could see, see from a mile of, that that must terrify someone like Gellert Grindelwald. 

It was over in a blink of an eye, a summer of utter devotion, Utter defiance and a whirlwind of ideals and beauty and Gellerts soft laugh and gentle touch and bashful flush and now he was so utterly alone.   
Years passed faster than the months spent together, years spent reminiscing on it all and then the self hatred that followed. Whispers off unspeakable acts of violence spread to Albus and he shook his head in horror and muttered how the boy had been rotten from the start while at night he tossed and turned with unchecked desire. He longed for him, like on that day when he'd lost everything Gellert had ripped the most important thing out and taken it with him.   
Some years later, visiting a friend , Albus ran into him again. By sheer coincidence they passed one another in a side street and Albus, as if moved by something, grabbed his wrist and pulled him close. Filled with unholy and unchecked rage, desperate to ask why but unable to. Gellert had stared, pinned against the wall.   
"You haven't changed" He gasped, Tense and ready to flee.   
"Neither have you" Albus snarled, Grip hard enough to bruise and Gellert’s face flashed with surprise, he squirmed just a little, as though he couldn’t quite believe Albus still hated him.   
Oh off course he was enough of a narcissist to believe Albus would have forgiven him.  
"Did you come here to kill me?" Gellert's eyes glimmered, whether with fear or anticipation Albus couldn't tell.   
"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you?" Albus murmured. "Seeking you out. I was here for a friend"   
"Coward" Gellert sneered and Albus backhanded him hard. Gellert gasped, head whipped to the side and eyes wild with an arrogance, an inability to understand why he was in trouble, like a child, as he stared.   
"I should kill you" He hissed.   
"But you cant, you cant do it can you?" Gellert laughed, frantic then he swallowed, head leant back against the brick behind him, he surrendered for a moment."God, you're still so beautiful" He sighed and Albus felt something in him melt.   
"So are you" His grip loosened.   
"Do you think about me?" Gellert looked up, From where he's pinned against the wall but not quite able to meet Albus’ eyes.   
"Everyday" Albus said, lips close enough he can feel Gellert tremble, or that may be him. Gellert smiled, Eyes falling shut, eyelashes brushing Albus' cheek.   
"I never stopped loving you" Gellert said, Hands on Albus' cheeks, Tears in his eyes. "But you left me"   
"I left you?" Albus laughed, bitter and twisted "You ruined everything for me-"   
"I set you free" Gellert pushed back, teeth bared. Laugh unbelieving as if Albus had told him the sky was green. As if he was the one hurt, the one in agony.   
"You're deluded" Albus muttered. "I shouldn't have ever trusted you"   
Gellert stopped, eyes dark for a moment and in a second he'd pushed Albus off, spells thrown, countered and deflected in seconds, enough to kill the average man, though barely a thought to either of them, leaders in their own right and a pact in blood that stopped them doing worse. Gellert stopped wand poised "Do you mean that?" He hissed. “Can you really mean that?”  
Albus paused, He should have said yes but instead he looked into those devastated eyes and came close and closer till the wand tip pressed hard into his chest and Gellert had to back away.   
“I don’t know anymore” He said. Gellert laughed, laughed harder until Albus looked back and realised, horribly, that he was sobbing.   
The blue in that one eye was so bright, brighter than the sky, brighter than the morning star, as bright as Lucifer once was. Their lips could meet, they’re close enough to.   
“Look, what you’ve done to me” Gellert sounded broken, tears staining his pretty, beautiful cheeks as Albus ignored the desperate need to wipe them away. He forced the anger, deep inside himself, dulled by the same attraction that caused Gellert to be tame around him out. Forgetting that in doing so he unchained Gellert too.   
"You're radical! Dangerous! Look at what you've done, everything you’ve done!" Albus shouted, voice hoarse with unshed tears himself.   
"Oh I misjudged you" Gellert had grinned, Looking up. "Your rants about us over everything, about the cause. You never cared, Albus, and I'm pleased your colours have shown. You're spineless" He hissed "all it took was one mistepped and here we are"   
"I love you!" Albus had shouted. "I loved you so much"   
"Love isn't enough, My dear" Gellert had never looked back. "I did warn you"  
But a man who wanted the world in the palm of his hand, who'd sell his morals for a chance at changing it all, was never going to settle for the mundane love of Albus Dumbledore.


End file.
